Waking Up

So I had a big realization yesterday. Actually it's feels more like a series of moments of waking up. Getting sober a number of years ago, felt like a step in the right direction. I had tried many times to put some time together and had failed over and over again. So having more than a decade of clean time had felt like quite an accomplishment. And it is. And I am not negating that it any way. The last few years life has moved very fast in the right direction. I am comfortable in my job. I established a home with a partner. I feel very settled. I can feel my life.
But I am also someone who craves routine. I rarely step out of my comfort zone. Growing up my home life was so chaotic. I was the oldest and so it fell upon me to take the leadership role. I was going to make sure all was taken care of. The house was clean,the dishes were done,etc. Because if it looked normal,then it was.
I have been talking to friends recently about how I feel I am not passionate about anything. Owen has his writing. He is passionate about it. Our friend Steve is an actor and singer. I can't think of anything that drives me in that direction. I realized yesterday that I fill my life with alot of chores. Many tasks that I can check off during the day. Grocery store. Check. Gym. Check. And so on. And I don't feel awake for any of it. I am racing to the finish line for what? Even walking the dogs which is a wonderful bonding moment feels like a job. Getting dinner on the table before Owen gets home. For what? I mean I know for what and I love to cook. I feel like I am rambling,but it has occurred to me that I spend/spent a good part of my life asleep. I am so afraid to rock the boat. So afraid to really let go. It's an interesting time in my life. I need to remind myself that life is meant to be lived,not endured. I think I may have just woken up.

Monday morning. Ugh. The first day back from vacation. Ugh. Actually I am feeling quite well rested. Looking forward to my trip tomorrow to NYC. Really enjoy going there.
Hopefully this Swine Flu story has played out and the media will find something else to try and scare the crap out of people this week. Sometimes I think the FCC should seriously consider pulling CNN'S license. They are the worst offender.
In the meantime, some new music from Depeche Mode. Love their new album. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bsXOcK9_Cw

The Last Day of Vacation

Today is the last day of a 10 day vacation. Very relaxing and quite busy at the same time. I spent some time with my Mom which was really nice. I also was able to get up to the cottage in Wild Rose for a total of about 4 days. That place up there is my salvation. It is so quiet and peaceful. Actually a little too peaceful. Owen had to go back to the city for work and I ended up staying a extra day. Wild Rose is one of those places that if you are up there by yourself(me and the dogs),takes on an almost "The Shining" quality to it. Minus the snow and the ax of course.
In New York this week for work. Will blog soon.