2000-2010

So tomorrow is the last day of the first decade of the 21st century. Sounds cool. I been thinking a lot about the last ten years and this past year in particular. As many of us do around this time,we reflect on the past and look forward with great anticipation towards the future and especially the coming year. I have much to be thank for(Owen,family and my health to name a few). At the same time,I feel like a work in progress and would like to change some things that either need improvement or don't or haven't worked for some time.

I think personally in the last 10 yrs, I probably know myself better than ever. I am more confident and self-assured. I also am fairly comfortable in my own skin. I have the best relationship I have ever known with Owen and it continues to evolve and deepen in the most wonderful, secure,yet eccentric way. And we decide the rules that work for us. No one else.

My spiritual life has also evolved in a really wonderful,non-judgemental way. I take what I need and leave the rest.

I love my extended family dearly. My brothers and sisters and Mom have truly become close. I also had an opportunity this weekend to see many of my cousins and Aunts and Uncles at a party. I spent a good part of my life avoiding them because I was afraid that if they knew the real me, they would reject me. Nothing could be farther from the truth and it such a pleasure seeing all of them. What I finally realized is that I have a place in that family and I need to claim it. And I have.

I have also had to let go of some relationships that just don't work anymore. Sad,but necessary.

2009 was a challenge. I will not be sorry to see it go. I never worked harder in my life and still made less money than the year before. BUT, I have a job,health ins,and a mortgage that is current. And I have the greatest family and friends in the world. You can't really ask for more than that. For myself,resolutions don't really work for me. But I would like to see happen in continued evolving as a person and hopefully be kinder,more thoughtful and not so hard on myself. Oh and maybe if I lost 20 lbs. LOL. Here's to 2010.

What is too much?

So I was having lunch yesterday with some really fun clients. I enjoy these woman immensely and we always ending up having a really good time. So someone brings up this blog. And she mentions how she had read it. And I had the strangest internal reaction. I was uncomfortable by the attention. But just for a second. But also flattered. And then someone else mentioned they enjoyed the "stories" I tell on here and on Facebook. And again,just a twinge of uncomfortableness. And I need to go Carrie Bradshaw here for a second,because I began to wonder"How much is too much?"
Having worked in sales for many years, I have become very comfortable with the social aspect of my job. I do many presentations a day. Entertaining is also a big part of my job. Mostly one on one or group lunches. We grab 1 or 2 people and head out for lunch at a great place to eat.(I know high class problems as they say) And I have made true friendships with quite a few clients. To me this is the best part of the job. People. I am very good at it,if I do say so myself. My father was alot of things,but if there is one compliment I could give him,he could walk in anywhere,in any town, and know SOMEONE in the room. That is the kind of guy he is. He would have been a very successful salesman.
But there is also a side of me that is very private. Maybe not private,but a less intense,less "on".
My point is that we are in the strangest of times. We can communicate with anyone,anywhere at anytime. I have been in a elevator more than a few times and with say 3 other people. And there isn't one of us who isn't checking the phone. We have lost the ability to communicate in person. EVERYTHING is done via the web. And my point is that sometimes I forget what I type into my "status update" or what I "tweet" or what I type on here,can be read by 4 billion people. Oh and one other thing. I keep my Blackberry by my bed at night. More than once,I have checked Facebook @ 3am. There is something so not right about that.

Randon Thoughts

I am just waking up so who knows what might come out.

Flannery hurt her leg......She is limping.....I don't like to see that....Fitz has been on a diet.....I was so excited to weigh him at the vet,because we were just sure he had lost weight......He gained 4 pounds.....I have been watching True Blood on HBO......It's quite interesting.......We went and saw The Hangover on the 4th......The funniest movie I have seen in a long time......My 13yr old niece and goddaughter wants to be my friend on Facebook........I am not sure that's such a good idea......I'm not sure why......I have been working very hard lately and not sleeping at night....Finally last night that changed....slept like a rock......I started South Beach on Monday....I miss bread and carbs......I am seeing friends 5 out of 7 nights this week.....I am blessed....My grandmother Evelyn has been on my mind lately...10 years after her death and I still miss her terribly......I wonder what my Dad is doing today.......Gotta run.

Friendships

Happy 4th to all! Hope everyone has a happy and safe one. We are doing the low-key version this year. Going to a movie and then I am making dinner. It's exactly what I am looking forward to. Low-key and quiet. At least inside our home. Can't promise what will happen later on the outside. Hopefully the dogs will not be too upset by evenings end.
So...........I am someone who holds onto relationships until the bitter end. Especially,as a gay man in my 40's, I find the friendships in my life are as important to me as my own family. I have a core group of friends that are like brothers and sisters. We have seen each other thru births,deaths,job loss,relationships beginning and ending. We have created our own family. When Owen came into my life,they were as welcoming as they could be. I have never felt that they have been anything but as loving to him as they have been to me. I am very fortunate.
Recently however(the past year or so), I felt like someone in that group has been pulling away. And this really bothers me. This is someone who I spoke to daily and who I have been friends with for more than a decade. And I truly have no idea why. But I have also realized that in some(not all)relationships in my life,if I am not the one making the effort,then things tend to slip away. A few years ago,I had a similar situation. I had been good friends with someone for almost 20yrs. I began to realize that I was the one making all the phone calls. I was coming by his place. I was setting up dinners. I also realize that he didn't have to do anything because I was doing all the heavy lifting. I decided to see what would happen if I stopped communication. If I didn't make the effort. We haven't spoken in 3 yrs. And you know what,that's ok. Maybe friendships run their course. Maybe people come in and out of your life for a reason. It might be as simple as that. In grade school, I was not popular(at all). And I spent alot of time in my head wishing I could be famous. Because then I would have all the friends I could ever want. AND THEN I WOULD BE HAPPY. So for better or worse,I am still in 5th grade.

Getting Proud

So yesterday for the very first time, I marched in the Chicago Gay Pride Parade. Owen and I marched with Gerber Hart Library,which he is on the board. Gerber Hart is an LGBT library and cultural center. As I told someone later,now I know what Madonna feels like. To be walking in a parade with 300,000 people cheering and applauding as you are walking is a rush I have never experienced. I know it's not about that,but it was a pretty amazing time. And being a part of something like that with Owen was really special.
This week coming up is nuts. With the exception of tonight,we have something going on every night this week. So much for sitting around watching TV all summer. And for some reason,work is also very busy,which is also great. I would rather be too busy than not at all.
I say this alot,but sometimes I look at my life and can't believe it's mine. I never thought I would have the life I have today. Having said that,I live with this fear that it will all be taken away and could be at any second. Why? Because for the first part of my life,nothing ever felt safe or real or permanent. The life I have today didn't just roll out. I knew what I wanted and worked hard to get it. I had a friend tell me today that he knows that no matter what,earthquakes,floods,car accidents,I would be there. He can depend on me. Growing up,the oldest of 6 kids, that was my job. Keep it all together. Make sure everyone,including my mom,was taken care of. My father was not around so I took on that role. I really not sure how this all connects,but I feel like that little kid alot. Still. I am the only one who can get it(whatever that "it" is) done. Take care of it.
Changing subjects,I was really sad to hear about Farrah Fawcett's passing. I was a big fan and really enjoyed her and her work. Every Wednesday night, I was in front of the TV,watching Sabrina,Kelly and Jill. I also watched her documentary in May about her cancer and treatment. It was brutal to watch,but riveting. I really admire her. She will be missed.

Brillance in writing....

I am really tired tonight,but feel the need to check in. Hi. :) I have no idea what to post about,so how about random stream of consciousness moments.

There are periods in my life where I feel very blessed.......This is one of those times..........I have a total of 5 books that I have either started or need to start and have no desire to get back into any of them.........I love,love,love those trashy Real Housewives shows......I love the heat.......Lately, I seem to be treating almost everyone in my life like a therapy patient.....Owen and I watched his favorite silent movie the other night,THE CROWD........I loved it also.......Kate Gosselin seems like a pain in the ass....I would divorce her also......I am kinda digging my job again......I made 2009 the year to pay off credit card debt....so far I have paid off half....yea!......Owen calms me......I am really trying to listen more as opposed to talking.....I have very clear memories of some things and then my mother or sisters will bring up a person,place or thing and I have no memory of it......Is that old age?.......I have never been a smoker.......I want to go to the lake house......Much of my road rage has disappeared......I never realized Cook County had a homestead exemption for your property taxes.......My dogs are snoring at the moment.....I'm done.

Post Modern Feminists?

So what do I know about feminism? Not much,but I have become increasing annoyed by the portrayal in movies by young(She's Just Not That Into You) to middle-age(Sex and the City-let's be honest) females in film. Those two movies in particular were ,in my opinion,films that attempted to portray woman as strong and independent and instead just reinforced the stereotype that woman are not complete unless there is a man in the picture.
Let me say,at the time, I was a huge fan of Sex and the City,the series. I loved it and have seen each episode a number of times. However seeing the movie,I was so offended by the lead character,Carrie Bradshaw and her behavior. Carrie and Big(her boyfriend) have broken up and gotten back numerous times. Finally,at the end of the series,HE decides she is the one and they live happily ever after. The movie picks up sometime later. Here is the short version. They are living in non marital bliss. Off the cuff they decide to get married. She plans this big wedding,he freaks out and leaves her at the altar. The rest of the film is about her trying to come back from the utter humiliation of that event with the help of her friends. Finally a year later,they see each other,she rushes into his arms and they get married. Literally this is how it plays out. He shits on her,they have no discussion about ANY OF IT. She takes him back. No questions asked. WTF!? No the lesson here is no matter how many times a guy leaves or treats you like crap,if he has a penthouse apartment and a huge closet built for your clothes,then by all means marry the jackass!
The second film on my shitlist is He's Just Not That Into You. I picked it up last night at Redbox for a dollar. In all honesty,it's a fairly funny movie that has many good moments and a great cast. Short version once more. Again we are subjected to a young woman,(Gigi Hamm,played by Big Love's Ginnifer Goodwin)fairly successful,who can't meet a good man. She seems to always pick the wrong guy. Thru out the film,her entrance into the male mind(played by Justin Long),tries to guide her in the right direction. He is also kind of dick when it comes to woman. So we spend the entire film listening to her whine and analyze(with her equally neurotic girlfriends) about how this guy did this and why doesn't this one do that. She finally decides that Justin Long is the one. Makes a move on him. He turns he down flat. She is of course devastated. Towards the end of the film she meets the nice guy (really nice),goes on one date with him and ends up with Justin Long at the door and ends up kissing him because he says all the shit she wants to hear and also because The Fray is playing that annoying Gray's Anatomy song(Don't even get me started on that show). So to summarize Gigi dumps the nice guy and ends up with shit head. GREAT MESSAGE!
When did this all start? I think all of these movies portray woman as victims and have no control over who and what they want out of life. It like this retro version of hetro-relationships has been re branded and repackaged in Jimmy Choo's.