Waking Up

So I had a big realization yesterday. Actually it's feels more like a series of moments of waking up. Getting sober a number of years ago, felt like a step in the right direction. I had tried many times to put some time together and had failed over and over again. So having more than a decade of clean time had felt like quite an accomplishment. And it is. And I am not negating that it any way. The last few years life has moved very fast in the right direction. I am comfortable in my job. I established a home with a partner. I feel very settled. I can feel my life.
But I am also someone who craves routine. I rarely step out of my comfort zone. Growing up my home life was so chaotic. I was the oldest and so it fell upon me to take the leadership role. I was going to make sure all was taken care of. The house was clean,the dishes were done,etc. Because if it looked normal,then it was.
I have been talking to friends recently about how I feel I am not passionate about anything. Owen has his writing. He is passionate about it. Our friend Steve is an actor and singer. I can't think of anything that drives me in that direction. I realized yesterday that I fill my life with alot of chores. Many tasks that I can check off during the day. Grocery store. Check. Gym. Check. And so on. And I don't feel awake for any of it. I am racing to the finish line for what? Even walking the dogs which is a wonderful bonding moment feels like a job. Getting dinner on the table before Owen gets home. For what? I mean I know for what and I love to cook. I feel like I am rambling,but it has occurred to me that I spend/spent a good part of my life asleep. I am so afraid to rock the boat. So afraid to really let go. It's an interesting time in my life. I need to remind myself that life is meant to be lived,not endured. I think I may have just woken up.